


Fix what has been broken

by setaxis



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Gen, Lots of love towards one Zhang Yixing mostly, M/M, Mostly Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 07:44:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: but mentions of restrictive and controlling behaviour towards food), self-destructive behaviour (no eating orders per say
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3601950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/setaxis/pseuds/setaxis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone thought Yixing was coping well with Jongin's departure from EXO. They weren't exactly right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fix what has been broken

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for [kaixingforyou.](http://kaixingforyou.livejournal.com/6913.html) This fic is a little wierd in style for me but I really enjoyed writing it This fic is not the end. It kind of ends at a beginning which may be a little strange but it's how I wanted it.

**Warnings:** self-destructive behaviour (no eating orders per say, but mentions of restrictive and controlling behaviour towards food)  


 

 

 

 

Yixing doesn’t know what to do when the news hits. What do you do when something like this happens? He’s sad, of course. His bones ache with sorrow for Jongin. He wishes he could do something to make it better, something to give back what was lost, but he can’t. Healing unicorns don’t exist in real life.

Jongin will never dance again.

The concept is too much for him to get his head around some days. Jongin, who lived, breathed, _loved_ dance never to be able to do so. It makes Yixing feel empty.

With Jongin gone, EXO feels empty. Yixing sees Sehun struggling to take over Jongin’s parts. He sees Chanyeol bearing the brunt of Kyungsoo’s pain and anger at what has happened. He sees the light leave a little.

He doesn’t know how to put this right. All his life he’s tried to care for others, to try and make things better but this… this he doesn’t know how to fix. He feels helpless. Useless. Everything seems to be spiralling out of control – like sand slipping through his outstretched fingers – and _there’s nothing he can do to make this better. **Nothing.**_

The only thing he can make better now is himself. And if Jongin can’t dance, Yixing will spend every moment dancing for him.

xxx

Sehun wakes up to the sound of a door opening. His body aches - he must have fallen asleep on the practice room sofa again - and his first thought it that it must be morning and someone has come to find him; except when he sits up and opens his eyes it’s still dark outside. Yixing stands in the doorway, bag slung over his shoulder, saying nothing.

“Hyung?” Sehun asks sleepily. “What time is it?”

Yixing shifts on his feet. He looks uncomfortable and Sehun’s not sure why – getting up early isn't a crime or even that unusual what with their looming comeback and the inevitable rearrangement of their choreography. When he doesn’t reply Sehun pulls out his phone to check the time. 4am. He’d only been asleep two hours.

“Lay hyung? It’s four am.” He scrunches up his face in confusion.

“I’m just here to practise Sehunnie. Don’t think I’ve got the choreo quite down yet.” Lay smiles but it’s not his usual smile and Sehun feels something drop in his gut. It’s pinched around the corners of his mouth. It’s hollow. The bags under Yixing’s eyes are dark and sunken. He looks like hell.

“It’s four am though, have you even slept?”

Instead of answering, Lay smiles again. It’s the smile with too deep dimples, the smile he uses when he wants to get his way with the co-ordi noonas and manager-hyung. Sehun isn’t falling for it.

“Hyung, you need to sleep.” He says seriously.

Yixing looks torn. Sehun sees his hand clench on the strap of his gym bag. Generally Yixing is very easy-going but he’s stubborn too when he wants to be. You don’t get this far in their industry without that kind of determination and while it is admirable, it can be frustrating as hell too. Sehun sighs. He opens his arms wide and puts on his most pathetic puppy dog expression (Kai’s been teaching him).

“Please.” He begs. “Just a couple of hours.”

Yixing smiles again and Sehun is relieved to see that while it’s small, it’s genuine this time. Lay dumps his bag by the door and the all but falls into Sehun’s embrace. There’s a little bit of wiggling as they readjust to fit two boys on the not-extremely-large sofa. In fact Yixing’s chin is still poking Sehun’s collarbone but he can’t bring himself to say anything – not when Yixing is pliant in his arms and there’s slow, deep breaths across his neck.

Sehun lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Yixing has given in. For now. With immediate matters settle Sehun turns his mind to other things. What on earth was Yixing doing in the practice room anyway? He knows Lay is a perfectionist – they all are to an extent – but this is extreme even for him. This is… worrying. Sehun thought he’d taken the news quite well but that’s obviously not the case. Looking down at the crown of his precious hyung’s head Sehun vows to be more attentive in future. His hyung deserves more. He gives so much – it’s time to give some of that back.

Xxx

Minseok hates diets. He hates them with a passion. He also hates that he has the type of body that means he only has to so much as look at food and he gains weight. _Life is so unfair._

He knows he shouldn’t be sneaking around to find Yixing’s “secret” snack stash (not just because it’s not his - even though he’s sure Yixing wouldn’t mind) but _he just craves sugar, okay? One can’t hurt, surely._

Except it’s not there.

He fumbles once again. Nothing. Empty. This isn’t right. Yixing always has his stash stocked. Minseok has noticed he’s been busier lately but it’s never been empty before – severely depleted, yes but empty no.

It feels kinda stupid that he should be worked up over this at all. It’s a secret supply of snacks for god’s sake – maybe the manager found out and confiscated them. They are supposed to be on a diet. _A continuous, torturous diet._ He thinks to himself.

He can’t ask Yixing outright. While he’s sure Yixing knows that everyone knows the location of his stash and helps themselves to it, it’s another thing admitting to Minseok’s guilt. Plus he’s slightly embarrassed about breaking his diet. So instead he mentions to the manager that he’d overheard something about him finding out about the candy store.

The manager just laughs at him.

“Minseok, I knew about it before all of you did. Yixing isn’t the best at hiding things.”

Minseok nods. That is true – the cupboard under the television is hardly secret – but the manager is usually pretty good at giving them their privacy and not opening too many cupboards.

“You let him keep it?” He asks curiously.

The manager looks sheepish. “Don’t tell the boss but the kid looked so sad when I told him he couldn’t have snacks any more that when I found it I just… Pretended I hadn’t.”

Minseok lets out a chuckle at that. Trust Yixing to have the whole staff wrapped round his little finger. But if that meant the manager hadn’t cleared out Yixing’s cupboard, who had?

He could ask all his other members but half of them would probably pretend they’d never heard of it, a third would make fun of him for wanting snacks (Minseok is only human, _god_ ) and the remaining however-many-there-were would lecture him for hours about respecting property and following diets and Minseok just cannot be bothered with that. He’ll just ask Yixing. It’s embarrassing, but ultimately less embarrassing than admitting the same to each and every member of his band.

“Xing-ah can a talk to you for a second?” He asks one afternoon as he catches Yixing coming back from a recording. He looks tired. Skinny. Minseok can’t believe he didn’t notice before.

“Of course ge.” Yixing smiles his dimple smile. He flops down on the sofa next to Minseok. Minseok worries his lip.

“I’m sorry for being in there in the first place, but I was wondering what happened to your snacks.”

“My snacks? Ah, don’t worry ge, I knew you helped yourself from time to time. Everyone did the same. I didn’t mind.” Yixing says, still smiling.

Minseok notices he doesn’t answer the question.

“Did you run out?” He tries again. “I can help you keep it stocked if you like.”

“Nonono, Minnie-hyung – you don’t need to do that!” Yixing protests immediately. “I was eating too many snacks so I got rid of it, that’s all. You don’t need to get me anything!”

“Eating too many snacks?” Minseok says in disbelief. “Yixing, you’re so skinny lately I’d say you need to be eating more, not less!”

Yixing just smiles again. “I’m not that skinny Minseok. If anyone’s a skinny Minnie round here it’s you!”

Minseok opens his mouth to deny it but Yixing laughs him off and tells him he’s going for a shower. (“I’ve just got back from practice hyung, I stink!”) Minseok isn’t at all happy with the way that conversation has just gone. Yixing got rid of his stash because he thought he needed to lose weight? Coming from the man that always tells Minseok not to go overboard with his dieting? That he’s perfect a little chubbier and a little slimmer and everything in between? It’s worrying to say the least.

He’s going to keep his eye on Yixing from now on. Something isn’t right here.

Xxx

Joonmyeon often comes back from the SME building late. He has more meetings with the rest of them (mostly scolding him for not being able to keep his members in line which – hello – he’d like to see them try) and often gets held up to discuss the boring things that no-one else in his group wants to listen to. As such he often gets back at unreasonable times. He tries to sneak in as quietly as possible because it’s not fair on his members to wake them up – even if mostly it’s all their fault anyway for whatever thing Lee SooMan wants to scold Joonmyeon for on their behalf.

He does not expect for one of his bandmates still to be up when he gets back. It’s dark in the lounge, as he expects. The kitchen is too but when he heads down the hallway to the room he shares with Yixing he can see the light underneath the door. Why is Yixing awake at this hour? Maybe he’d fallen asleep with the light on again – that had happened a couple of times before.

Cautiously, quietly, trying not to wake Yixing up, Suho opens the door and edges into the room. As he thought, Yixing is asleep on top of his covers, headphones still plugged into his ears and a video no longer playing on his computer. Fanned out across his torso and the bed are notes, hastily scribbled by the look of things and all in Chinese. Suho can only make out the odd words here and there - _above, step, beautiful_. Something else about dance?

He shouldn’t have done it really but he’s curious. What dance had Yixing been watching? He risks a sneak peek as he lifts the laptop off Yixing’s torso to place it on the table.

_EXO KAI SMTOWN LAST PERFORMANCE BEFORE ACCIDENT_

Joonmyeon shuts the lid decisively. That wasn’t what he was expecting. Yixing had been studying Jongin’s old performances - _dissecting_ them, by the look of the extensive notes he’s written. Shaken, Joonmyeon goes about clearing Yixing’s notes away and making him comfortable to sleep. He puts an extra blanket over Yixing so he doesn’t catch cold but he doesn’t wake him up. Yixing has been looking so tired these days.

Well, Joonmyeon guesses he knows why now. How late has Yixing been staying up to do all this on top of all his other commitments? On top of relearning all their choreography and splitting up the vocal parts _again_. No wonder he’s exhausted.

Suho makes a mental note to talk to Yixing in the morning. He can’t have Yixing running himself ragged like this – not least because it hurts his heart to see one of his best friends so worn down.

Xxx

Tomorrow turns into the next day, and the next. It seems to be impossible to catch up to Yixing. He’s always at a schedule, or at the SME building practicing and Joonmyeon’s own schedule means he just doesn’t have the opportunity to speak to Yixing like he needs to.

To his surprise, Sehun asks to speak to him. He says yes immediately. Sehun doesn’t often come to him to talk. He’s the type that likes to keep himself to himself in matters of the heart – which has made it all the important to listen when he finally decides to speak, Suho has found.

“Suho-hyung, I’m worried about Yixing-hyung.” Sehun whispers a confession to him from where he’s curled up in Joonmyeon’s lap. “I was at the practice room the other day and I fell asleep. When I woke up it was four am and he was just getting there to start practising. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all, hyung. It was awful.”

Joonmyeon is shocked. Someone else has noticed that Yixing is acting odd. Good to know it’s not all in his mind.

“I’m worried about him. I’ve been monitoring him and I just don’t think he’s sleeping, hyung. I stole the records for the practice room and he’s been there almost every day much later and longer than I have.” Sehun nibbles his lip in worry.

“You _stole_ the records?” Joonmyeon says incredulously.

“Can we focus on the important part here please?” Sehun whines. “Our Yixing-ge…”

“He’s pushing himself too much.”

Sehun nods tearfully. “I don’t know what to do, hyung. None of us has been the same since Jongin had to leave but I thought he was doing okay.”

“I’ll talk to him, Sehunnie. Don’t worry.” Joonmyeon rubs Sehun’s back comfortingly.

“Don’t tell me not to worry.” Sehun mumbles grumpily.

“Okay.” Joonmyeon says fondly. “Don’t worry so much.”

He pets Sehun’s slightly brittle hair. _He’ll have to talk to his manager about not letting the stylist noonas dye it so much,_ he thinks idly. _After he’s worked out what’s going on with Yixing._

Xxx

The next day Yixing is once again suspiciously M.I.A. and Joonmyeon is about ready to hit something in frustration. He’s violently scolding the toaster to let out some of his anger when he hears someone call out behind him.

“Yes?” He says, spinning round and trying not to look like he’s clinically insane. It doesn’t seem to be working, judging by the look Minseok is giving him.

“Joonmyeon-ah.” Minseok says. “I wanted to talk to you about our Yixing.”

Joonmyeon starts. “You too?”

“I may have heard you last night with Sehun.” Minseok confesses. “I’ve been keeping an eye on Yixing since I discovered his snack cupboard was empty and… Well, I’m concerned.”

“Wait, why were you in Yixing’s snack cupboard?” Joonmyeon asks. Minseok blushes.

“That’s not important. The important thing is that Yixing said that he’d thrown his snacks away. He said he was eating too many. I’ve been watching him at mealtimes and he hardly eats anything – just enough not to raise suspicion.”

Joonmyeon puts his hand over his mouth. “Oh god. That’s why he’s been getting so skinny lately.”

Minseok nods. “I don’t understand it. He was always the one who told me I was perfect any size, and here he is…”

Minseok trails off, seemingly unwilling to put into words what Yixing is doing. Joonmyeon doesn’t blame him. It’s hard to think that their Yixing – sunny, beautiful, happy Yixing – would be hurting himself like this.

“Joonmyeon.” Minseok looks at Suho with sad eyes. “You don’t think this is about Jongin do you?”

Joonmyeon nods tightly. “Sehun caught him sneaking into the practice room at four am the other day. I came back and found he’d fallen asleep while watching a video of Jongin dancing a couple of days later. I knew he’d been looking a bit skinnier and more tired recently but I mean, we all have, haven’t we? I just didn’t realise…”

“I hate to say this but I don’t think he’s going to listen to us.” Minseok’s expression is serious and flat and it makes Joonmyeon worried just seeing it.

“He might.”

“He won’t. We both know Yixing. He’s as stubborn as a mule when he has his heart set on something. We won’t be able too. I tried talking to him the other day and just dodged round and round the point until I didn’t want to play the game any more. He’ll do the same to you.” Minseok points out.

Joonmyeon is about ready to tear his hair out in frustration. “How can we help him then if he won’t listen to us?”

“Jongin.” Minseok says simply. “He needs to talk to Jongin.”

“He’ll never forgive us.”

“I can’t forgive myself if I stand by and let one of my best friends hurt himself like this.” Minseok replies immediately.

Joonmyeon lets out a shuddery breath. “You’re right.”

“I wish I wasn’t.” Minseok looks so defeated in that moment and it’s then that Joonmyeon is keenly aware of how much Minseok cares – how much he wishes he didn’t have to hurt Yixing more to help him not to hurt so much.

“I’ll get Sehun to call him. He’s more likely to come over if it’s Sehun.” Joonmyeon says finally.

“Good idea.” Minseok smiles again. It’s almost painful.

“Thank you for telling me.” Joonmyeon says, somewhat redundantly.

“Good night Suho.” Minseok turns and walks out of the kitchen. Joonmyeon feels something very heavy sit on his chest as he watches him go. He needs to start being a better friend to people. He really does.

Xxx

The apartment is empty when Jongin arrives. He’s not surprised – Sehun had warned him it would be like that. _To give you and Xing-ge your space._ Sehun had said over the phone but Jongin isn’t clear on what that means exactly. Space for what? It’s not like they’re going to be dancing any more, is it? Not with his waist.

He hobbles uncertainly over to the couch and falls gracelessly onto it. It’s still the same uncomfortable couch from when they were trainees and his injury shoots up with pain. The doctors had said that there would only be a couple of weeks more of this tenderness and then he would be fully healed from the surgery but he doesn’t care. He wants it to stop _now_. He’s had enough of this being in pain business.

Ten minutes later, just as his bandmates – ex-bandmates, god it hurts to think that – had promised Yixing enters the apartment carrying a sports bag under his arm and clearly just coming back from the gym.

The first thing that strikes him is that Yixing looks gaunt. There’s no other way to describe it. He cheeks are hollowed in in a way that just doesn’t suit his jolly Yixing. He’s so skinny. His clothes hang off him and he can see razor sharp collarbones at the opening of Yixing’s shirt. He looks awful.

Jongin can contain the gasp that leaves his mouth. He can see now why Sehun had been so insistent he come and he thanks god that Yixing has friends that care enough to look out for him like this.

The little sound Jongin exhales is enough to alert Yixing to his presence. He turns to Kai with deer in the headlights expression on his face.

“I’ve got to shower.” Yixing blurts out. “I’m sweaty and gross – let me go change and I’ll be right with you.”

“I don’t mind.” Jongin states. “We’ve seen each other in dirty clothes before. I just wanted to see you.”

He holds his arms out wide and welcoming, hoping that Yixing will take the bait. As soon as he sees Jongin’s puppy dog expression something in Yixing’s expression caves and then he’s in Jongin’s arms. Like this it’s even easier to tell how much weight Yixing has lost and Jongin feels awful.

“You’re so skinny Yixing-hyung!” He exclaims. ”You need to eat more.”

Jongin’s chest aches to see him like this. This isn’t right.

“I missed you. I missed you so much.” Jongin’s voice cracks. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

He feels rather than sees Yixing’s smile against his collarbone. “What do you have to be sorry for?”

“I should have come back.” Jongin sobs. “I shouldn’t have cut myself off. _I missed you so much._ ”

“Don’t start crying or I’ll start.” Yixing mumbles.

Jongin doesn’t know how long they sit there on the couch, an endless sprawl of limbs cuddled together. He doesn’t remember half of the things he says. They spill from his lips unbidden - _I’m sorry I left you, I’m sorry I made you shoulder this burden alone, I’m sorry I made you feel like you weren’t enough_. He doesn’t know if Yixing hears any of it. He doesn’t say anything, just lies warm and pliant in Jongin’s embrace. It feels so nice. Jongin has missed this so much.

Finally Jongin pulls back and rearranges on the couch so they are lying next to each other rather than on top of each other. He doesn’t let Yixing go. Yixing doesn’t try to leave.

“Yixing-hyung, let’s make a promise, okay?” Jongin says quietly. “I want you to take care of yourself, hyung. I don’t know whether you can see it or not but you’re so skinny, so tired. I hate seeing you like this. You’re not smiling anymore.”

Yixing smiles. “What do you mean, silly dongsaeng? Of course I smile.”

“Whatever your face is doing now doesn’t count hyung.” Jongin tells him seriously. “I want to see you happy, that’s all. You’re not happy.”

Yixing’s smile falters.

“There’s nothing wrong with not being happy, hyung. I’m not happy either. That’s why I want us to make a promise, okay? Let’s work towards our happiness together.”

Jongin knows his expression is helplessly earnest. He must like a puppy trying to reason with Yixing like this but he’s not that good at words. He squeezes Yixing’s hands between his own.

“What do you say, Layxing?” Jongin coaxes gently. “Are we in this together?”

“Together?” Yixing mumbles, more to himself than Jongin. He looks adorably confused, like he can’t decide what he wants to say or do and it’s so cute, so Lay that Jongin has to bite his lip to stop himself from smiling.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Together. I can do that.” There’s a determination, a fire in Yixing’s eyes that Jongin didn’t even know had been missing before. Even through his fatigue he can see a spark of what was there before, what drew him to Yixing in the first place.

“Dancer-line reunites.” Jongin smiles.

“What about Sehun?” Yixing scolds him tiredly.

“Sehun has maknae line, tall line, model line, noona-killer and hyung-rich. I think he should let us have dancer-line.” Jongin pouts and wiggles further down the sofa to make himself comfortable. He’s still tired after the operation and Yixing is comfy and warm.

“Just us?” Yixing mumbles sleepily.

“Just us.”

_Together._

 

 


End file.
